One day I will roll out of bed and make myself tea and toast at 7 AM, green tea with jasmine smell wafting up like little dancing sugarplum fairies into my nose or black tea with golden honey or cinnamon toast. That day maybe I will take a walk, maybe I will see a dog with its nose stuck eagerly to the ground and its tail whipping side to side like a helicopter. Then maybe I will go outside and stare at the stars in the sticky night of summer and I’ll wish on a star light star bright and that wish will be for something stupid like a 20 dollar bill on the ground or a unicorn and it won’t be for happiness or a life, finally, maybe 5 bucks is what I want but never a visit from the angels.
One day I will look in the mirror and smile, smile wide wide open wide with all my teeth like a piranha and that smile will only make me smile wider and then maybe I’ll laugh and I won’t cry no, I won’t cry that day. That one day yes I won’t cry.
I cried how many times this month? I don’t know, I keep track but then I don’t want to look at the tally. Why even keep track? One day I’ll look at the tally and feel fine no matter the number.
One day I’ll probably be passed out on the floor but the next day I won’t right? Ahhh, the next day I won’t. The next day I won’t have visions of you or anyone, visions of myself in the mirror broken or intact, I’ll look at the real world beneath my feet and keep on walking forward into America or something. I have to move my feet, I have to eat and move my feet and make the choice to move my feet outwards into America and it hurts but girl in the mirror, this is quite serious. Girl in the mirror, I’m putting my broken shoulder to the wheel.
The way you swing between wishing for a unicorn and admitting you’d actually just take the 5 bucks is such a specific kind of honesty. Most people either commit to the whimsical version or the sad version, you did both in the same breath and it worked.
Also the piranha smile bit made me laugh out loud, which feels like an odd thing to say about a piece this heavy, but that’s probably the point. The humor isn’t hiding anything, it’s just sitting right next to the ache like they’re roommates.
Hope the next day actually shows up for you.
this is so beautiful!